Month: April 2012

Posted on

Introspection and Feedback Loops

in·tro·spec·tion – noun – Observation or examination of one’s own mental and emotional state, mental processes, etc.; the act of looking within oneself.

Introspection is both good and bad. It’s good because it can show you a lot about yourself: the reasons you do and say the things you do. At the same time it’s bad, because most of us are our own worst critics. And for those who’re blessed/cursed with really good memory functions (yes, I’m raising my hand on this one), it’s often particularly harrowing to go inside yourself and lay bare your actions and emotions. It’s easy to get caught in an endless loop of “what if” and “why did/n’t I”…and can be very difficult to break out of.

I don’t have expensive letters after my name that qualify me to tell you how to deal with introspection and whatever effects it has on you. I’m not even going to give you a pop psych armchair version. Indeed, I’m in the middle of my personal introspective hell at the moment, and this is an attempt at breaking the feedback loop I’ve gotten myself into. If something resonates with you, great. If not, that’s OK too. To each their own.

Introspection and feedback loops
Over the years, introspection has shown me one of my biggest failings: I have an inordinately hard time forgiving myself for mistakes I make. I am MUCH harder on myself than anyone else is, and I don’t always rebound by focusing on the positive side of what I’ve learned from said mistakes. This is a huge problem…one I work on overcoming every. single. day. I have figured out that my perfectionist tendencies and my sense of self-worth are part of this tangled mess…which is a starting point, I guess, although definitely not a comfortable one. But then, my introspective moments are seldom about the easy stuff.

Breaking the loop: Reinforce the positive
I have taken away some positive realizations from my introspective moments; the kind that give me the warm fuzzies while making me feel truly humble at the same time.

I’ve been given opportunities to do things that are out of reach for many other people. Some instances that come readily to mind are working on race cars at local short tracks; starting to hone my musical talent and skills at a very young age; breaking into my current field of employment with absolutely no background in it whatsoever, but willing and eager to learn.

I’ve earned the friendship and caring of some wonderful people; the kind that even though you don’t see each other very often anymore, you know they’ll be there for you through good and bad. For that privilege I’m forever thankful, because these are the people who help me stay grounded and sane when my world spins out of control.

I’ve been blessed with parents who nurtured me; supported me even through less-than-ideal decisions; and who still encourage me to make bolder choices, to step out of my comfort zone and make a splash in this big ol’ world. Grazie. I don’t have words adequate to telling you how much you mean to me.

And on that note, having brought myself back to a more positive state of mind, I’ll say adieu.

Posted on

Change Is What You Make of It

Change is a constant in our lives. We grow older; we change our jobs, our place of residence, what we like to eat, the technology we use and how we use it…the list goes on. Change is sexy, bewildering, scary, exciting, costly and invigorating, all at the same time–and it’s often the most difficult aspect of our lives to deal with, putting us through some of the worst angst-ridden moments we’ve ever experienced.

Right now, my life is all about change. Some changes are ones I decided to make. Some changes were thrust upon me, whether I wanted them or not. Then there are the changes to the world I live in…the ones close at hand as well as the bigger, global picture.

There are things I’m learning (or re-learning) through this time of change. I’ll be the first to admit that not all of them are positive. That’s not to say that all of them are negative, either, although it often feels that way. For instance, I’m constantly being reminded that the mirror of self-reflection is usually much harsher than the lenses through which your friends and family view you. I’m also being reminded that there are plenty of bright spots in life, and I need to seize and enjoy them to their fullest.

The biggest, scariest and at the same time most liberating thing I’ve re-learned from these experiences is that change itself is a catalyst. I can take it as a challenge to make improvements, or see it as an obstacle. I can choose to do nothing at all and get swept away by the actions and opinions of others. I can use it to reinvent myself, or at least my perceptions and behaviors. What I make of it, the lessons I choose to learn from it, are entirely up to me.

So bring it on, change. You may scare the crap out of me…and I may have to lie doggo long enough to catch my breath after some of the body blows you’re dealing out…but I refuse to back down from you.