If you’ve read some of my previous posts about changes, you’ve probably figured out that the period of time from the end of January until now has been chock-full of changes in my personal life, some of them very painful, although I didn’t specifically say what or why. Part of that is because I’m by nature a very reserved person; I’m not comfortable strewing every bit of my life around for everyone to see. The other part was because it was just too–well, painful–to think or write about. That being said, I’m finally at a point where I can talk, write, and reflect on what’s been going on without falling apart…and willing to share some of the lessons and realizations I’ve come to as well.
So what happened, already!
In short, my fiancé and partner of 15+ years decided that he wasn’t happy being together anymore and severed our relationship. While we didn’t have a knock-down, drag-out fight or hurl incriminating names and comments at each other (we’re actually still on reasonably good terms as these things go), it was still agonizing to face the ruin of all the hopes, dreams, plans and life we’d been building together for so long. (If you’re curious, that was the genesis for my post Shi*t Happens in life. Deal.).
I’ve grappled with some hard truths and learned some bitter lessons since my world turned upside down on January 31st. I had to face the fact that I wasn’t as independent as I thought I was….certainly we, as a couple, weren’t anywhere close to independent. In point of fact, the ambition to live in a place outside of his family’s home seemed to be all on my side. Another realization was that when it came to making a living and getting stuff done around the house, my less-than-superlative paycheck and admittedly haphazard housekeeping efforts had apparently cornered that market as well.
I’m not saying that all the mistakes were his…far from it. We both screwed up as individuals and as a couple. I’m not the most patient person in the world, and I’m quick to blow up over little stuff while locking the more important stuff inside. He doesn’t like to talk about what’s bothering him (at all). When I decide to get stuff done, I want to tackle it right then (or at least ASAP). He prefers to live on mañana time unless it’s something he wants to do or get, hoping the unpleasant stuff will either be forgotten or get taken care of for him. Neither of us communicated well (or at all) when the chips were down, and we lost track of the simple things that made life as a couple enjoyable. Added to that was the strain of juggling the meager finances from just my paycheck for over 1-1/2 years, combined with his extreme reluctance to take responsibility for the things he alone could address. The resultant devil’s brew of anger, frustration and hopelessness drove ever-larger spikes into the cracks we’d already created in our relationship, with the end result being that neither of us was truly happy and only one of us was willing to put in the effort needed to heal the damage that had been a long time building.
Rebuilding
I won’t pretend I’m completely over him or it. I’m not there yet, although I’m a lot closer than I was even two months ago. The long nights of introspection, combined with the quietly spoken but forceful remonstrations from mutual friends who’ve known us both for years, have brought me to realize and accept that I’m much better off without the drain our relationship had become. As a result I’m coming to embrace this new chapter of my life: one that I’ll choose how and what I fill it with, no matter how zany or staid.
I’m finally stepping out completely on my own—no partner, no roommate, no family home, no generous safety net to rely on—and I’m absolutely determined to rebuild my life on my terms. It’s not going to be easy; there will undoubtedly be many more days of stress, sleepless nights and bouts of insecurity waiting to sneak up and ambush me when I least expect them. But I’m going to make it happen; I’m going to become the person I want to be, living a life I’m happy with. I refuse to let anyone or anything derail my plans for that again.
I’m not entirely sure what lies ahead of me next, aside from building a life I’m happy with and knowing that I’m free to make choices that were closed to me before. I guess that’s why life is so often referred to as an adventure rather than a destination: the choices I make determine what happens and where I go next, and the path that carries me toward those choices is constantly changing.
So who else is game to go exploring? You’re invited to grab your safari hat and join the adventure. But hurry, because adventure doesn’t wait for you to make up your mind.
