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Remembrances

“Where were you when the world stopped turning, that September day?”  –Alan Jackson

Eleven years later those lyrics still resonate, tugging at emotions and opening the floodgate of memories. And while I’ve never forgotten and never will while I still have a functioning memory, for some reason today’s anniversary is hitting me a little harder than in other years.

Maybe it’s because so many others are also publicly remembering via their posts on social media, blogs and other forums. Maybe it’s because I’m heading down to Long Island this weekend, and the thought of being closer than I normally am to the site of the tragedy is working its way through my subconscious. Maybe it’s for a whole host of other reasons, most of which I couldn’t even begin to put a name to because they’re so intertwined that there’s no possible way to untangle them in the space of a short blog post.

Whatever the reasons, there are a couple of things which are really standing out for me today.
Never forget:  The lives that were lost because of terrorism…(a direct result of intolerance in all its many forms).
Never forget:  The unity and determination that brought so many people together to bring about a rebirth of something good from the ashes of wanton destruction and despair.

Each and every one of us has a choice: to remember both the good and bad, or to forget and become apathetic.

I choose to remember.

I remember the lives that were needlessly lost in the attacks, as a way of reminding myself that freedom isn’t free. It takes all of us standing up for what we believe in to protect what our forefathers fought so hard to win.

I remember the people who gave of themselves to help others, many of them at the cost of their own lives.

I remember the the spirit of unity that came about from all the individuals who banded together and worked tirelessly in the rescue, recovery and rebuilding efforts.

I remember. And I will never forget.

never_forget_9_11

(Photo courtesy of http://tidymom.net/2011/never-forget/)
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On Rebuilding My Life (Again)

If you’ve read some of my previous posts about changes, you’ve probably figured out that the period of time from the end of January until now has been chock-full of changes in my personal life, some of them very painful, although I didn’t specifically say what or why. Part of that is because I’m by nature a very reserved person; I’m not comfortable strewing every bit of my life around for everyone to see. The other part was because it was just too–well, painful–to think or write about. That being said, I’m finally at a point where I can talk, write, and reflect on what’s been going on without falling apart…and willing to share some of the lessons and realizations I’ve come to as well.

So what happened, already!
In short, my fiancé and partner of 15+ years decided that he wasn’t happy being together anymore and severed our relationship. While we didn’t have a knock-down, drag-out fight or hurl incriminating names and comments at each other (we’re actually still on reasonably good terms as these things go), it was still agonizing to face the ruin of all the hopes, dreams, plans and life we’d been building together for so long. (If you’re curious, that was the genesis for my post Shi*t Happens in life. Deal.).

I’ve grappled with some hard truths and learned some bitter lessons since my world turned upside down on January 31st. I had to face the fact that I wasn’t as independent as I thought I was….certainly we, as a couple, weren’t anywhere close to independent. In point of fact, the ambition to live in a place outside of his family’s home seemed to be all on my side. Another realization was that when it came to making a living and getting stuff done around the house, my less-than-superlative paycheck and admittedly haphazard housekeeping efforts had apparently cornered that market as well.

I’m not saying that all the mistakes were his…far from it. We both screwed up as individuals and as a couple. I’m not the most patient person in the world, and I’m quick to blow up over little stuff while locking the more important stuff inside. He doesn’t like to talk about what’s bothering him (at all). When I decide to get stuff done, I want to tackle it right then (or at least ASAP). He prefers to live on mañana time unless it’s something he wants to do or get, hoping the unpleasant stuff will either be forgotten or get taken care of for him. Neither of us communicated well (or at all) when the chips were down, and we lost track of the simple things that made life as a couple enjoyable. Added to that was the strain of juggling the meager finances from just my paycheck for over 1-1/2 years, combined with his extreme reluctance to take responsibility for the things he alone could address. The resultant devil’s brew of anger, frustration and hopelessness drove ever-larger spikes into the cracks we’d already created in our relationship, with the end result being that neither of us was truly happy and only one of us was willing to put in the effort needed to heal the damage that had been a long time building.

Rebuilding
I won’t pretend I’m completely over him or it. I’m not there yet, although I’m a lot closer than I was even two months ago. The long nights of introspection, combined with the quietly spoken but forceful remonstrations from mutual friends who’ve known us both for years, have brought me to realize and accept that I’m much better off without the drain our relationship had become. As a result I’m coming to embrace this new chapter of my life: one that I’ll choose how and what I fill it with, no matter how zany or staid.

I’m finally stepping out completely on my own—no partner, no roommate, no family home, no generous safety net to rely on—and I’m absolutely determined to rebuild my life on my terms. It’s not going to be easy; there will undoubtedly be many more days of stress, sleepless nights and bouts of insecurity waiting to sneak up and ambush me when I least expect them. But I’m going to make it happen; I’m going to become the person I want to be, living a life I’m happy with. I refuse to let anyone or anything derail my plans for that again.

I’m not entirely sure what lies ahead of me next, aside from building a life I’m happy with and knowing that I’m free to make choices that were closed to me before. I guess that’s why life is so often referred to as an adventure rather than a destination: the choices I make determine what happens and where I go next, and the path that carries me toward those choices is constantly changing.

So who else is game to go exploring? You’re invited to grab your safari hat and join the adventure. But hurry, because adventure doesn’t wait for you to make up your mind.

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Create Awesome Content by ‘Keeping it Real’

You can create the change you want to see

The amount of conflicting advice we’re bombarded with about how to produce good content is staggering. I particularly loved this post from Pace Smith and Sonia Simone on Copyblogger: How to be a World-Changing Writer. They did an awesome job of cutting through the clutter to get to the heart of the  subject. Their key points? Make it meaningful, ‘sticky’ and authentic. And while their post is geared toward writing, the principles certainly apply to other content types as well. Give it a read; I promise it’s worth your time.

Photo credit: Flickr user woodleywonderworks

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Introspection and Feedback Loops

in·tro·spec·tion – noun – Observation or examination of one’s own mental and emotional state, mental processes, etc.; the act of looking within oneself.

Introspection is both good and bad. It’s good because it can show you a lot about yourself: the reasons you do and say the things you do. At the same time it’s bad, because most of us are our own worst critics. And for those who’re blessed/cursed with really good memory functions (yes, I’m raising my hand on this one), it’s often particularly harrowing to go inside yourself and lay bare your actions and emotions. It’s easy to get caught in an endless loop of “what if” and “why did/n’t I”…and can be very difficult to break out of.

I don’t have expensive letters after my name that qualify me to tell you how to deal with introspection and whatever effects it has on you. I’m not even going to give you a pop psych armchair version. Indeed, I’m in the middle of my personal introspective hell at the moment, and this is an attempt at breaking the feedback loop I’ve gotten myself into. If something resonates with you, great. If not, that’s OK too. To each their own.

Introspection and feedback loops
Over the years, introspection has shown me one of my biggest failings: I have an inordinately hard time forgiving myself for mistakes I make. I am MUCH harder on myself than anyone else is, and I don’t always rebound by focusing on the positive side of what I’ve learned from said mistakes. This is a huge problem…one I work on overcoming every. single. day. I have figured out that my perfectionist tendencies and my sense of self-worth are part of this tangled mess…which is a starting point, I guess, although definitely not a comfortable one. But then, my introspective moments are seldom about the easy stuff.

Breaking the loop: Reinforce the positive
I have taken away some positive realizations from my introspective moments; the kind that give me the warm fuzzies while making me feel truly humble at the same time.

I’ve been given opportunities to do things that are out of reach for many other people. Some instances that come readily to mind are working on race cars at local short tracks; starting to hone my musical talent and skills at a very young age; breaking into my current field of employment with absolutely no background in it whatsoever, but willing and eager to learn.

I’ve earned the friendship and caring of some wonderful people; the kind that even though you don’t see each other very often anymore, you know they’ll be there for you through good and bad. For that privilege I’m forever thankful, because these are the people who help me stay grounded and sane when my world spins out of control.

I’ve been blessed with parents who nurtured me; supported me even through less-than-ideal decisions; and who still encourage me to make bolder choices, to step out of my comfort zone and make a splash in this big ol’ world. Grazie. I don’t have words adequate to telling you how much you mean to me.

And on that note, having brought myself back to a more positive state of mind, I’ll say adieu.

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Change Is What You Make of It

Change is a constant in our lives. We grow older; we change our jobs, our place of residence, what we like to eat, the technology we use and how we use it…the list goes on. Change is sexy, bewildering, scary, exciting, costly and invigorating, all at the same time–and it’s often the most difficult aspect of our lives to deal with, putting us through some of the worst angst-ridden moments we’ve ever experienced.

Right now, my life is all about change. Some changes are ones I decided to make. Some changes were thrust upon me, whether I wanted them or not. Then there are the changes to the world I live in…the ones close at hand as well as the bigger, global picture.

There are things I’m learning (or re-learning) through this time of change. I’ll be the first to admit that not all of them are positive. That’s not to say that all of them are negative, either, although it often feels that way. For instance, I’m constantly being reminded that the mirror of self-reflection is usually much harsher than the lenses through which your friends and family view you. I’m also being reminded that there are plenty of bright spots in life, and I need to seize and enjoy them to their fullest.

The biggest, scariest and at the same time most liberating thing I’ve re-learned from these experiences is that change itself is a catalyst. I can take it as a challenge to make improvements, or see it as an obstacle. I can choose to do nothing at all and get swept away by the actions and opinions of others. I can use it to reinvent myself, or at least my perceptions and behaviors. What I make of it, the lessons I choose to learn from it, are entirely up to me.

So bring it on, change. You may scare the crap out of me…and I may have to lie doggo long enough to catch my breath after some of the body blows you’re dealing out…but I refuse to back down from you.

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Musings on Life, Habits and Censorship

BLBC Official EntryI’ve been racking my brain for a way to write about censorship ever since  Emily announced it as the theme for the Brave Little Blogger Contest she’s running over on Suess’s Pieces (#BLBC12 on Twitter). It’s not that I don’t have opinions about the matter; it’s that I couldn’t nail down an aspect of it that I wanted to tackle in writing. Until tonight, that is.

It occurred to me as I was sitting here thinking about the uncomfortable, painful and otherwise upsetting stuff going on in my life right now that I’ve been censoring myself in what I say and do. Very heavily, in fact, in an effort to keep from making said uncomfortable, painful and upsetting stuff even worse. For example, when it comes to discussing certain “hot” issues about the situation, I’m picking and choosing my words, tone of voice—and even times of day—very carefully, in a method that’s calculated to be the least inflammatory for all parties involved. I’m doing this in spite of my unruly emotions and true thoughts on the matter (which, incidentally, frequently rival those portrayed on almost any TV show you care to name). And as I started to explore this notion of self-censorship a little further, I realized that we’re taught from our earliest ages to censor ourselves at all times.

“Uh, what? Are you out of your mind??”

No, I’m not out of my mind. Or at least no further out of it than usual 😉 Go beyond the instinctive knee-jerk reaction and think about it. Maybe these phrases ring a bell: “Mind your manners.” “You can’t say that.” “Be polite.” “No running or jumping.” “Hide what you’re feeling so others can’t use it against you.” “Keep all public displays of affection clean and tasteful.” Sound familiar? They’re all things we’re taught and constantly reminded to do from birth until death, couched as instructions for proper behavior within society—and every last one of them is censorship masquerading as polite behavior. They become deeply ingrained habits; most of us don’t even realize we’re practicing a subtle form of censorship when we continue that behavior day after day.

Now, I’m not saying I don’t understand the reasons for this type of censorship to be in use. I do, and in large part agree that we need some filters to keep us coexisting at least semi-peacefully. Let’s face it: without these “rules for polite society” we’d probably all be dead and the cockroaches would be ruling the planet, since we humans don’t play well with each other. But other interesting questions arise from that train of thought: how much censorship is too much? Who decides? And what if we disagree?

Makes you think, doesn’t it?

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Inspiration Alone ≠ Success

"Success seems to be connected with action."Inspiration comes in many forms, from many places, events, things and people. Success often comes from inspiration, but almost never without putting in a lot of work. Hard, unglamorous, often tedious work that’s fraught with mistakes and anxiety. So how do you get from inspiration to success? Do the work. 

Whatever your idea is, think it through. Do some research. Try it, and be prepared to keep trying it…repeatedly. And just when you think you’ve got it right, be flexible enough to try a different aspect of it. But don’t paralyze yourself by keeping things in the concept stage: inspiration is only the first step to success. Take action, keep moving and do the work to make yourself, your product or your idea successful.

Photo credit: owips.com

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Sh*t Happens in life. Deal.

Life often changes in a hurry. That ‘s certainly been the case for me in the past couple of weeks. There’s been a lot going on…some good, some bad, some really painful…and I’m still absorbing the hits and trying to sort it all out. For the moment, I’m simply putting one metaphorical foot in front of the other; a “just take the next single step” mantra.

Will I get through these changes? Ultimately yes; I’ve developed too much stubborn willpower not to. Is it going to change who I am as a person and how I go about living my life? Most likely. After all, that’s part of living, and the lessons learned from doing so. The things that matter most (as I constantly remind myself) are that I keep believing in myself and my abilities, and that I hold true to the things I believe in. Things like Friendship. Compassion. Love. Honesty. Integrity. A sense of self-worth, without being arrogant and overbearing.

The one constant in life is that it changes. It’s up to you to make the best of it.

Life is about change.

Photo credit: Glitter Graphics

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Simple Mistakes…Aren’t Always Simple

small group of emotional young people

I was cruising through one of my social media feeds the other day, and encountered a situation caused by a couple of well-intentioned people making simple mistakes. No big deal, right? We make them all the time.

Um, yeah…as it turned out, VERY big deal. Here’s the scenario:

Person A, Person B, Person C and Person D are having a conversation in a closed social media group. Person A asks what time doors open/what events held where for a particular event, not realizing that Person E already provided this information in a separate post to the group. Person C suggests that Person D might want to remove Person A’s comment, as the question has already been answered. Thinking that this makes sense and will cause less confusion, Person D goes ahead and removes Person A’s comment. Person A gets completely pissed off and blasts back with an “I can’t believe you censored me for that question” response for all to see. Explanations and apologies are posted for all eyes by Persons B, C and D, but the damage is already done, and the consequences are still unfolding.

In fairness, none of the people in this story are experienced community managers; they also don’t know the best practices. However, the mistakes they made could’ve been easily avoided with just a little bit more thought to the possible consequences.

While it might seem logical to remove a question that’s already been answered from the comment feed, it doesn’t take into account that the person asking it might not have seen the other post; especially since it wasn’t within the comment thread where they asked their question. Then there’s the little matter of whether its removal is likely to open a can of worms that no one wants to deal with.

Here’s the “best practices” nutshell version. Unless it’s spam or in violation of the group’s policies, it’s seldom a good idea to remove a comment or post. It’s better to just leave it up there. Why? Here are some of the easy reasons: You’re less likely to piss people off. Your actions probably won’t require apologies or have unintended consequences…which can get bigger and last much longer than you’d think. There are fewer hard feelings to tiptoe around, which means better group interaction. And for an extra bonus? Other group members often take it upon themselves to deal with the repeated/annoying/”what were you thinking?!?” questions and issues for you.

So..the next time you’re tempted to just delete a comment/question/post that’s annoying you (for whatever reason), think before you do. Because simple mistakes aren’t always so simple, especially in social media.

Have any “war stories” you want to share? Feel free to leave them in the Comments section!

Photo credit: David Castillo Dominici