My Three Words (2014 Edition)

A few years back, Chris Brogan introduced me to the concept of My Three Words through his blog. Since I’m notoriously bad at making and keeping New Year’s resolutions, I thought I’d give My Three Words a try instead. Three years and a lot of changes for the better later, I still believe in and use this to help me focus on what I want to accomplish in the coming year.

This year was a little harder than the past two when I sat down to choose my three words. They didn’t come to me easily. In fact, it’s only been within the past couple of days that the words that best define the areas I want to work on have solidified in my head. But now that they’ve gelled, they feel right – at least for me.

Risk. Take chances and create opportunities in both my personal and professional life. Do this in spite of being unsure, afraid, or even just plain lazy on occasion. Push myself beyond my previous (often self-imposed) limits. This doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll jump into things blindly, although sometimes you’ve just got to take the leap of faith and trust yourself to come out of it flying instead of crashing.

Present. As in, be present. Like many of us, I often allow digital distractions to take away from the moment – which not only robs myself and whomever I’m with of my full and undivided attention, but also cheapens the value of the connection we’re trying to make or the work we’re trying to do. I’m making a choice, every time my attention starts to wander, of whether I should allow the interruption (Is it an emergency? Is it relevant to, or new information about, the discussion or work I’m doing?) or not.

Live. Like the two words preceding this one, it’s all about making a choice – and then working hard to keep making it – to change how I live my life. It includes things like keep eating healthier; be more ‘in the moment;’ make new connections and keep the ones that mean the most to me alive and well. It also includes not being a spectator in my own life.

Enough about me. Let’s turn this around to you. What are your three words? I’d love to hear what they are, and why you chose them. And no, it’s not too late to choose them if you haven’t already. The year is just getting started.

December 27, 2013

2013 in Review: Life Is One Hell of a Learning Curve

Wow, it’s been a while. A long, tumultuous, series of days/weeks/months where at times I had no idea if I was coming, going, or meeting myself somewhere in the middle of doing both. Probably that last one. Or as my friends would no doubt say (in exasperatedly concerned voices), definitely that last one. So much has happened in 2013 that my mind boggles just trying to think of it in some semblance of order.

I’ve spent much of this year still on my voyage of rediscovering – and in some cases reinventing – who I am as an individual. To say that some of the things I’ve learned about myself were eye-opening is an understatement. Some of what I learned was more of a reaffirmation of my core values. Other things were extended and more enlightened versions of my point of view on a variety of subjects and situations. Some things were surprising – and a few were downright life-altering.

Things I’ve Learned

I don’t have to please everyone. In fact, I shouldn’t be trying to please everyone. That way lies the path to disaster. See the next reason for why…
Be true to yourself and trust your gut. If something feels wrong, then there’s a pretty good chance that for you it is a wrong choice. Go digging for why, and then make your decision once you have some insight and answers.
If you want others to accept you for who you are, you first have to accept yourself for who you are. Completely, totally, and without reservations or harsh, overly critical self-judgements. Trust me on this, folks, 99% of the time we’re our own worst critics. Yeah, I know – harsh. But true.
Being single isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it’s quite empowering!
Positive emotions can turn each and every one of us back into happy, silly, giggling kids. Embrace it. It’ll keep you feeling and looking younger than your actual age 😉
Life is messy. Accept and learn to enjoy the chaos, because you’re only going to make yourself stressed out and miserable by trying to regulate it too tightly. Yes, fellow introverts, this goes for us as well. We can learn to do this.
Accept and enjoy the love of friends, family and if you have one, your partner. Give your love to them unstintingly. It will come back to you threefold, especially when you need it most.
Relationships come and go, and not everyone is who they present themselves to be. Enjoy the good moments for what they are, learn positive lessons from the bad moments (like what you don’t want next time), and toss any lingering resentments like three-week-old fried rice. It does you no good to hold on to them, and is just going to stink up your house if you do.
Dare to make your deepest dreams and fantasies a reality. Legally, of course! You want to write a novel? Then by God, sit down and start writing! You want to try something new and kinky with your partner? Then by all means, discuss it with him/her and give it a go! Live your life, because the chances are pretty damn good that you’re only going to get one real shot at doing the things you want to do.
Take chances and risks. I’m not saying bet your life savings on who’s going to win the Breeder’s Cup or Red 8 on the roulette wheel, but get out of the rut you’ve been existing in and shake the dust off your sense of adventure and opportunity.
Be spontaneous. There’s a time and place for lists and plans, but stop letting them rule your life.
Be fully present in the moment. Stop allowing the million-and-one little busy distractions we each create for ourselves to take your focus away from what’s going on, right now, around you. Yeah, I know, that’s a tough one. Do it anyway. You’ll thank yourself later, and others will probably thank you too, for the gift of your attention.

Life Is One Hell of a Learning Curve

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been less than successful at maintaining all of these things I’ve learned over the course of the year. But even when I fell down, and got away from some of these hard-learned lessons, I’ve somehow managed to find my way back to them – battered, bruised, often feeling like I’d just been through an industrial-grade cross-cut shredder – but increasingly finding it easier and easier to life my life in such a fashion that I’m happy more often than not. The difference has been markedly noticeable to both myself and everyone around me.

I’m not saying that I haven’t been stressed, exhausted, sick at heart, sometimes depressed, and often angry at circumstances – hey, I’m a human being, not a machine! But I’ve found that even in my “workaholic by necessity, not by choice” life of little sleep, long work hours between two jobs, endless miles of driving and months on end of working 7 days/week with no day off just to barely make ends meet, I’m still happier than I’ve been in years. Why? Because I choose to be. And because I have the satisfaction of knowing that I’m building myself back into a strong, independent and caring person who values the world and people around her, and takes the time to appreciate what’s good instead of just complaining about what’s wrong or bad. No, I haven’t given up griping – I’m no saint! LOL. But each time I catch myself going there, I now make an effort to find something good and/or funny about the situation to distract myself from the all-too-tempting rut of negativity. Yes, it’s work. It’s hard work – for a while. But it’s totally worth it.

What say you, readers? What have you learned – or wish you’d learned – over the course of 2013? I’d love to hear your stories.

January 26, 2013

So Many Thoughts…

The past few months have been quite a roller coaster ride—hectic, rewarding, scary, you name it—they’ve been filled with one thing after another happening in rapid-fire fashion. Things to be thankful for. Things that make me sad. Things that make me so happy, I feel like I’m sitting on top of the world. Then there are the things that leave me very introspective and thinking hard about topics that normally lurk in the murkiest shadows of my mind.

Things I’m thankful for:

Having friends and family who are there, no questions asked, in times of laughter and tears alike
Spending more time with my grandfather before he passed away
Tackling some extremely difficult situations head-on, and coming through on the other side of them a stronger woman
The relationship I’m building with someone who’s become very special to me; who not only encourages me to reach for what I want and need but challenges me when I backslide into trying to take the “easy” route

Things that make me sad:

Taking so long to re-learn a very hard life lesson about being true to who I am
Short-changing myself in so many ways over the past years
The loss of loved ones
Being too busy to make the time to nurture some relationships the way I should have

Things that make me happy:

Friends, family, and the special man in my life
My rediscovered independence and self-confidence
The person I’m becoming
A better attitude and outlook on life
The willingness to take chances and live my life rather than be a spectator in it

Things that make me introspective:
(a.k.a. the well-buried thoughts that hide in the murkiest corners of my mind)

Fear
Self-judgement
The hopes and dreams that I’ve never really dared to reach for
The meaning of life, and my place within it

To be honest, I’m not sure I’ve dealt with it all as well as I would’ve liked. I look back and see so many things that have me saying “I should’ve done this…” but at the same time I look at where I am now, a little over a year after I decided to stop being a spectator in my own life, and see a great many more things that have me feeling good about how far I’ve come in my personal journey to becoming the person I want to be. There will be no resting on my personal laurels, though; onward to more challenges, changes and living is the directive I’ve given myself.

What about you? I’d love to hear your stories, so let me know where I can find them by leaving me a link to your post in the comments.

December 17, 2012

A Cry From the Heart

When are we going to wake up and realize that the problems we’re facing as a society start and end with us as individuals?

When are we going to understand that sitting back and wishing for “someone else” to start the change is not the answer?

When are we going to stop demanding that others be accountable for our actions and start taking responsibility for our own? And taking that a step further…when are we going to resume teaching our kids that their actions have consequences and repercussions?

WHEN are we going to realize – and ACT – on the fact that if we want change to happen, IT STARTS WITH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US AS INDIVIDUALS??

It’s time to stop being apathetic, lazy and filled with the “I can’t change anything; I’m powerless” syndrome. If you want a better world, it’s up to you – and me, and every single other person alive – to make it happen. Be a part of the change. Start now.

Photo shared from RIP Conneticut Sandy Hook Elementary School Shooting Victims – 12/14/12 Facebook page.

October 25, 2012

Living by Your Gut Instincts

Ever get the feeling that you’re running faster and faster, careening along on the ragged edge of control, just trying to keep up with everything going on in your life? Uh-huh; that feeling. The one that makes your head spin and your adrenaline stay amped up to crazy levels as you try to process and deal with everything coming at you.

I don’t know about you, but the past month and a half has been like that for me. There’s so much going on that sometimes I can’t even begin to think coherently about what I need to do next—whether it’s cheer up my grandfather who is slowly but surely losing his fight against cancer; support my mom as she deals with the very real trauma of knowing she’s losing her father; work; be active on multiple social media platforms; or spend time nurturing my own developing relationship with someone I’ve met. To say that my head is often spinning like a top and I’m distracted far beyond my norm is no exaggeration! And while I’m not complaining (much) about it, I’ve come to the realization that I need to make some changes in how I deal with it all.

I don’t have a formal “plan” in place that gives me 3, or 5, or even 7 steps to follow. Nor am I looking for one. Instead, I’m working much more instinctively than that; at a gut level that often seems to defy logical thinking. Is it a perfect solution? No; nothing ever is. But what it is doing, is getting me back in touch with the instincts–which are often collected information that can only be accessed at a level well below that of conscious thought–which are my truest guide to making the decisions that I need to make.

It’s not always easy to live by the “trust your gut” method. Our conscious, supposedly rational mind loves to throw every possible “what if…”, “this isn’t…” and “OMG this is gonna be…” scenario at us that it can come up with. It’s even harder to try and regain your faith in those gut instincts when you’ve spent so many years overriding them. But for me, it’s something that I’ve got to do: there’ve been too many instances recently where it’s been proven to me that my gut was right and my head was wrong.

In the end, whether you live by your gut, your mind, or a combination of the two, it all comes down to living with the choices you made. And while it’s sometimes scary as hell, I’m going with my gut and choosing to fly. I may crash and burn; I may soar like an eagle; most likely it’ll be a combination of both. But come what may, I will have lived. And that, my friend, is the whole point of living by your gut: it takes you through so many more interesting journeys and experiences than the rational, doubting mind will ever allow.

So here’s to life and the living of it. Fly high; the journey and the experiences it will bring are never wasted.

October 2, 2012

On Living Life to Its Fullest

“Live life to its fullest.”

It’s a phrase we all say. Some manage to live up to it their entire lives. Others of us…well, we struggle with it. We get sidetracked by the sea of little details and crises happening in our daily lives, only occasionally experiencing the greater highs and lows, and lose our focus on the bigger picture. In short, we exist rather than truly living. Too often it takes a major scare (health, financial, etc.) for us to realize that we need to make a major change in our attitude toward living, like, RIGHT NOW.

I’ve been guilty of falling into that trap more than once. What I refuse to be guilty of, moving forward, is staying in it.

This isn’t a sudden decision. I’ve been actively working on living this way since the end of last year, when I started dealing with a great many major changes in my life. I’m taking chances on the unknown, trusting that I can handle whatever is thrown at me (good or bad). As a result I’m happier, less stressed, and enjoying my life in a way I hadn’t for longer than I’d truly realized. And it shows–in very visible ways–to those around me, as well as in how I see myself.

I don’t want my biggest regret to be never having had the guts to do the things I want to do, or experience all the fun and laughter that life and the special people within it can bring.

I’ve been recently reminded (in a very visceral manner) that life is too short not to seize every chance we have to make the most of our days. So while I sometimes face the future with a great deal of trepidation, I’m pushing forward to the things I know are out there waiting for me, if I just have the courage to reach for them.

“My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day’s a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride”
lyrics quoted from “If Today Was Your Last Day” by Nickelback

So grab your life and shake it by the horns, my friend; get everything out of it that you can. Experience the highs, the lows and everything in between so that when they finally write your epitaph, it doesn’t read “Never lived life to its fullest”.

Image courtesy of Flickr user IcyAero

June 7, 2012

On Rebuilding My Life (Again)

If you’ve read some of my previous posts about changes, you’ve probably figured out that the period of time from the end of January until now has been chock-full of changes in my personal life, some of them very painful, although I didn’t specifically say what or why. Part of that is because I’m by nature a very reserved person; I’m not comfortable strewing every bit of my life around for everyone to see. The other part was because it was just too–well, painful–to think or write about. That being said, I’m finally at a point where I can talk, write, and reflect on what’s been going on without falling apart…and willing to share some of the lessons and realizations I’ve come to as well.

So what happened, already!
In short, my fiancé and partner of 15+ years decided that he wasn’t happy being together anymore and severed our relationship. While we didn’t have a knock-down, drag-out fight or hurl incriminating names and comments at each other (we’re actually still on reasonably good terms as these things go), it was still agonizing to face the ruin of all the hopes, dreams, plans and life we’d been building together for so long. (If you’re curious, that was the genesis for my post Shi*t Happens in life. Deal.).

I’ve grappled with some hard truths and learned some bitter lessons since my world turned upside down on January 31st. I had to face the fact that I wasn’t as independent as I thought I was….certainly we, as a couple, weren’t anywhere close to independent. In point of fact, the ambition to live in a place outside of his family’s home seemed to be all on my side. Another realization was that when it came to making a living and getting stuff done around the house, my less-than-superlative paycheck and admittedly haphazard housekeeping efforts had apparently cornered that market as well.

I’m not saying that all the mistakes were his…far from it. We both screwed up as individuals and as a couple. I’m not the most patient person in the world, and I’m quick to blow up over little stuff while locking the more important stuff inside. He doesn’t like to talk about what’s bothering him (at all). When I decide to get stuff done, I want to tackle it right then (or at least ASAP). He prefers to live on mañana time unless it’s something he wants to do or get, hoping the unpleasant stuff will either be forgotten or get taken care of for him. Neither of us communicated well (or at all) when the chips were down, and we lost track of the simple things that made life as a couple enjoyable. Added to that was the strain of juggling the meager finances from just my paycheck for over 1-1/2 years, combined with his extreme reluctance to take responsibility for the things he alone could address. The resultant devil’s brew of anger, frustration and hopelessness drove ever-larger spikes into the cracks we’d already created in our relationship, with the end result being that neither of us was truly happy and only one of us was willing to put in the effort needed to heal the damage that had been a long time building.

Rebuilding
I won’t pretend I’m completely over him or it. I’m not there yet, although I’m a lot closer than I was even two months ago. The long nights of introspection, combined with the quietly spoken but forceful remonstrations from mutual friends who’ve known us both for years, have brought me to realize and accept that I’m much better off without the drain our relationship had become. As a result I’m coming to embrace this new chapter of my life: one that I’ll choose how and what I fill it with, no matter how zany or staid.

I’m finally stepping out completely on my own—no partner, no roommate, no family home, no generous safety net to rely on—and I’m absolutely determined to rebuild my life on my terms. It’s not going to be easy; there will undoubtedly be many more days of stress, sleepless nights and bouts of insecurity waiting to sneak up and ambush me when I least expect them. But I’m going to make it happen; I’m going to become the person I want to be, living a life I’m happy with. I refuse to let anyone or anything derail my plans for that again.

I’m not entirely sure what lies ahead of me next, aside from building a life I’m happy with and knowing that I’m free to make choices that were closed to me before. I guess that’s why life is so often referred to as an adventure rather than a destination: the choices I make determine what happens and where I go next, and the path that carries me toward those choices is constantly changing.

So who else is game to go exploring? You’re invited to grab your safari hat and join the adventure. But hurry, because adventure doesn’t wait for you to make up your mind.